I sit here typing this blog entry with Cailyn cradled in my arm and sipping on her bottle. This moment, much like ALL of the moments I have with her is bittersweet. Everything she does in the back of mind I think "would Eli have done this at his age? Would he have made that same face?" or a million other variations of "what if". I enjoy every solitary second I have with Cailyn and she along with Austin have brought a lot of sunshine back into my life but in the back of my head I keep thinking how different things could/would be if Eli were still here.
When I go to sleep at night I dream of laying in bed and having my three babies all cuddled up together and pushing me off the bed to get more for themselves and listening to me sing Carrie Underwood songs to them to get them to fall asleep. I can see myself picking each of them up after they've fallen asleep and carrying them to their beds, kissing them over and over on their cheeks and saying "Good night, sweetheart. I love you," as if I had done it just last night. I would get up a hundred times during the night to check on each one of them and smiling to myself as I watched them sleep so peacefully. I wake up only to find that that beautiful dream I was having is just simply that, a dream.
No amount of dreams, wishes or prayers can make my hearts greatest desire and longing a reality. That is one thing I struggle with each day. I don't think it is too much to ask for to have even just one night with all of my babies snuggled up with me, after all that is what I should be doing. So tonight after Austin and Cailyn have fallen asleep, been kissed and put into their own beds to play in their own dream worlds I will curl up on my pillow and think of Eli as I fall asleep in hopes that we can spend time together in my dreams.