Thursday, December 22, 2011

Pregnant People

     It seems like everyday I get on FB and someone else on my friend's list is announcing their pregnancy. I'm almost to the point now where I make guesses as to who will be the next one to announce their impending bundle of joy. While I am very happy for everyone who is expecting, it still hurts and under certain circumstances it hurts more than others.
     When someone is expecting their second child it is unbelievably hard for me to deal with. Things went so terribly wrong with my second pregnancy that I feel A LOT of jealousy to those who get to bring their second babies home, especially if it's a boy. I DREAD seeing the "It's a boy!" posts. It literally crushes my soul. Then the jealousy and the sick feeling sink back in. I can try to explain the best I can why I feel like this but I still think most people won't understand unless you've been in my shoes.
     I wanted Eli very much. We were prepared and excited to bring our second son home and watch our boys grow up together. The second they told me that his heart stopped beating all those hopes and dreams and plans I had for his life were shattered. The images I had of him and Austin together and all of his "firsts" would only be what my imagination allowed them to be--dreams.
    When I see people having their second babies (especially boys) it's almost as if I sink into a depression. I can picture their kids growing up together and then reality smacks me in the face that they are getting to do with their 2 boys what I never will and it's really hard to swallow. I wanted so much more for my son's life and it was taken from him and it was taken from me.
     Even though I now have Cailyn to help fill my aching arms she doesn't take away the pain and the huge void that Eli left in my heart when he died. I can have 100 children and my family will never be whole because he isn't here and that is something that I will never be able to fully handle. A parent should never have to bury their child, it's unnatural and more painful than you can even begin to imagine.

Saturday, December 17, 2011


     Every month without fail around the 17th I start to have nightmares. These nightmares make the ones I had as a child seem like a cake walk. These nightmares haunt me long after I get up in the morning if they don't wake me during the night and prevent me from falling back asleep.
     Last night's dream went like this: I was walking in the dark and the only light around me emitted from the gown I was wearing, a simple, sheer white gown. It was cold and all the leaves were gone so I assumed it was winter. I had no idea where I was or where I was headed but I just kept walking. Out of nowhere I was standing by Eli's grave. For a long time I just stood there and then I lost it. I screamed and cried and fell to my knees and I started digging. I clawed at the Earth for a long time hoping that I would be able to find him but no matter how far I dug I couldn't find him. I would look up at his headstone and there was his face looking at me but his body was gone. I went into a panic. Where is my baby? This is where they laid him, where is he? And then I woke up.
     As a parent your biggest fear is losing your child. Once you've lost your child you're afraid that people are going to forget him or that you are going to somehow lose the memories you have. I am always terrified that someone is going to forget Eli existed because he isn't around for everyone to watch grow. Today my sweet boy would've been 18 months old. A whole year and a half since I held him in my arms. What I wouldn't give to see his face for even a few seconds again.
    Our rainbow, Cailyn is 7 months old, just slightly older than what Eli would've been around this time last year so watching her is very bittersweet. I put presents under the tree last night and she went right for them, climbing up them and crunching the paper in her hands and while it made me smile it also made me so very sad. I could picture Eli in my mind doing the same thing last Christmas. I imagine this year he would be just like Austin, sneaking into the gifts and shaking them to see what they were and trying to figure out which ones are his. In my mind I can see the 3 of them laying under the tree looking up at the lights and giggling. I wish more than anything that this could be my reality but unfortunately it never will and I'm still learning to deal with that.
     Even though my heart is shattered into a million little pieces today I'm going to celebrate the fact that 18 months ago I welcomed my perfect, beautiful son into the world. He has forever changed my life and I'm more than proud to be called his Mommy.

Monday, December 12, 2011

2nd Christmas

            To say this month is rough is an understatement. The 17th marks eighteen long, sad months since we lost Eli. I can't believe it's been a year and a half since I've held him in my arms. I still have nights, like last night where I relive every moment of when we lost him. I can remember going to the bathroom, stripping naked to get into the shower and feeling the need to pee again. I sat down and felt that POP that I thought was my water breaking. For that one moment before I stood up I was ecstatic at the possibility of holding my son in my arms in a few hours.
            Then I stood up and looked down in utter horror I saw blood pouring out of me. At that moment I knew that something was terribly wrong. My head knew it but my heart didn't want to. We rushed to the hospital, I called ahead so they knew I was coming and were prepared for me. They wheeled me up to L&D and then they took me into delivery room 2 (the same room I had given birth to Austin in just 15 months before). I had two nurses checking me out and telling me I had a lot of clots and then a whole swarm of nurses were in my room. There were 2 undressing and gowning me, one taking my vitals and one trying to find his heartbeat. They tried the monitor, doppler and an ultrasound all the while not saying a word to me, some not even making eye contact. Why was everyone being so damn quiet?
              They called downstairs for ultrasound to come up and paged the on-call doctor. The doctor arrived just a minute after the ultrasound tech. He sat down on the bed next to me and watched as she waved the wand over my belly stopping over his chest. He looked up at me, put his hand on my leg and said "I'm sorry, we've lost his heartbeat." A million things went threw my mind all at once. Then it hit me and took my breath away, my son was dead. I cried, screamed, pleaded with God and cried some more. Then I had to make the hardest phone calls of my life.
           At 10:41 am, Eli came silently into this world. He was 6lbs 3oz and 20.5 inches of sheer perfection. We spent many hours with him studying his every feature and etching it into our memories. Even though he was already gone it wasn't until the guy from the funeral home came to get him that he was really and truly gone for me. I handed Eli to my wonderful nurse and she walked out the door with him and that's when I lost it. That sweet, precious baby that I had the honor of carrying for 36 weeks didn't get a chance to live and I would never get to hold him again. I had to spend the night in the hospital where other women were having babies and he was going to be in some room at the funeral home all alone.
           Here we are almost 18 months later and the hurt is still very fresh. This year Christmas is especially hard. It's Austin's 3rd birthday, Eli's 2nd in Heaven and our first with our rainbow, Cailyn. While I feel very blessed to be able to have a new baby to buy for this year I can't help but mentally buy gifts for Eli, too. I wanted to somehow fill that need to buy for him and so David and I "adopted" an angel from Walmart's angel tree, a one year old boy. We bought gifts for him that we thought Eli would've liked and I truly hope that this Christmas is special for that little boy.
            I have images in my head of all the beautiful things I should be doing with my 3 babies this Christmas and it absolutely breaks my heart and crushes my soul to only be able to do them with Austin and Cailyn. I include Eli in everything that we do for the holidays but I still wish it were more. Tomorrow we are going to take a Christmas tree up to him and while there will be tears and heartache I know that he is always with us and we aren't really celebrating without him because he can never truly be gone unless people forget about him and I'm not going to let that happen.