Thursday, December 22, 2011

Pregnant People

     It seems like everyday I get on FB and someone else on my friend's list is announcing their pregnancy. I'm almost to the point now where I make guesses as to who will be the next one to announce their impending bundle of joy. While I am very happy for everyone who is expecting, it still hurts and under certain circumstances it hurts more than others.
     When someone is expecting their second child it is unbelievably hard for me to deal with. Things went so terribly wrong with my second pregnancy that I feel A LOT of jealousy to those who get to bring their second babies home, especially if it's a boy. I DREAD seeing the "It's a boy!" posts. It literally crushes my soul. Then the jealousy and the sick feeling sink back in. I can try to explain the best I can why I feel like this but I still think most people won't understand unless you've been in my shoes.
     I wanted Eli very much. We were prepared and excited to bring our second son home and watch our boys grow up together. The second they told me that his heart stopped beating all those hopes and dreams and plans I had for his life were shattered. The images I had of him and Austin together and all of his "firsts" would only be what my imagination allowed them to be--dreams.
    When I see people having their second babies (especially boys) it's almost as if I sink into a depression. I can picture their kids growing up together and then reality smacks me in the face that they are getting to do with their 2 boys what I never will and it's really hard to swallow. I wanted so much more for my son's life and it was taken from him and it was taken from me.
     Even though I now have Cailyn to help fill my aching arms she doesn't take away the pain and the huge void that Eli left in my heart when he died. I can have 100 children and my family will never be whole because he isn't here and that is something that I will never be able to fully handle. A parent should never have to bury their child, it's unnatural and more painful than you can even begin to imagine.

1 comment:

  1. Hugs to you, Amber! I feel the SAME way when I see friends posting about expecting baby boys. I am so excited to have a baby girl, but feel so robbed of the joys of raising my baby boy. While I've had a lot of friends get pregnant/have babies in the 15 months since Dominic died, only a couple have had boys and, truthfully, it is a little *easier* for me to see baby girls. Thinking of your precious Eli this holiday season and hoping he sends you gentle reminders that he's never too far from your family <3